i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It's shark week go big or go home
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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