i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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