how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize