I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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