As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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