you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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