Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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