so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
