I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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