I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
