I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
