I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
