So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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