I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
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Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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