oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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