Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
