Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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