apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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