he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize