No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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