I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
