need another drink. this is the easiest way
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I FOUND THE LEGS
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
