i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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