Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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