If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
