Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
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I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
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Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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