butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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