Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
