my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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