I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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