Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
