weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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