I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
