Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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