dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
