The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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