Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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