So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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