He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
