Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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