from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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