The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Randomize
