So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
