I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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