Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
