Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
