Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
