see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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