I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
