found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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