EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
