i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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