OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
