her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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