You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
