Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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