So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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