Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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