I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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