Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
