Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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